More details about last weekend...

It's been a week since I found out that I would never get the blessing of carrying another child again.  It all started last Friday morning when I woke up to a tiny bit of spotting.  This had never happened with any of my previous IUI cycles so I called the Dr to let them know and they weren't concerned.  They said it was very normal and was either my period trying to start or it was implantation bleeding which is very normal.  I wasn't too concerned and decided to keep my play date with one of Greg's friends.  It was a warm day and I'd dressed in jeans and a black t-shirt....not too smart.  I was hot at the park as I watched Greg play and chatted with my friend, but not hot enough to break a sweat.  We took a break from playing and had a picnic lunch under the shade of a small tree, enjoying a nice breeze.  When we had finished lunch, I stood up and knew something was wrong.  My pants felt wet.  I excused myself and went to the porta-potty at the park (not exactly the best of circumstances) and discovered that my panty liner was soaked and was a light pink color. Not only was my panty liner soaked, but so was my underwear and so were my jeans.  I couldn't figure out what was going on.  I had some slight cramping but didn't know what this blood tinged, odorless fluid was that was soaking through my clothes.  I used the restroom and when I wiped, there was a small lump of gray matter.  I knew that wasn't a good sign. 

I returned to my friend and the kids and excused ourselves, telling her what happened and that we needed to head home.  On the drive home, I called my mom and told her what happened and that I feared it might have been a miscarriage but that I wasn't really bleeding at all.  Then, another good friend called me and I told her what had happened.  She'd had 5 miscarriages before having her son and she confirmed that it sounded just like one of her miscarriages. She asked me if I saved the gray matter, which I didn't because I was at a park and didn't even have my purse on me.  I had no place to store it to get it to the doctor.  She told me that when it happened to her, she saved it and took it to the doctor who confirmed that it was a yolk sack.  Not an embryo yet, but the egg had been fertilized and just hadn't implanted.  Although I believe this is what happened to me, I can't be certain since I didn't save it to have it tested.  Either way, I wasn't very upset because I thought, I had 4 eggs and if all of them fertilized, my body might get rid of 1 or 2 that didn't implant.  A little worrisome, but I wasn't freaking out....yet.

By late Friday afternoon, I started bleeding heavily.  I had terrible cramps, lower back pain, a terrible headache and felt sick to my stomach.  I went to the bathroom several times thinking I was going to throw up but never actually did.  About 9:30 pm the tears started and didn't stop.  The realization that I wasn't pregnant hit me and it hit me hard.  The finality of what was taking place was heart breaking.  I wasn't pregnant.  I would never again carry a child, never again grow a life inside of me.  I would never have the indescribable bonding experience of nursing a child again.  I cried and cried, all night long.  I moved from the couch to the recliner, from the recliner to the rocking chair in the nursery and back to the couch again, desperately searching for a place where I would be comfortable.  At 5:00 a.m. as the sun began to rise, the tears dried up and I finally fell asleep.  It was a long, miserable night of heart break.

Three and a half hours after I had fallen asleep, at 8:30 a.m. Greg woke me up.  Andrew was already gone to his soccer game and I was exhausted from the night before and from only getting a few hours of sleep.  The tears had dried up for the most part and then I was angry.   I had several angry conversations with God that day.  I just didn't (and still don't) understand.  "God, you know the desires of my heart, you know how badly I wanted to have another child, why wasn't the answer to my prayers yes?  Why did you say no?  What is your plan for our family?"  I asked Him many questions, cried out to Him over and over for a miracle when I took my pregnancy test the next day but the answer remained no.  Andrew told me I shouldn't be angry at God but He already knows and He can take it.  He's a big God, much bigger than whatever feelings and emotions I throw His way.  He can handle it and like I said, He already knows what I'm feeling anyway.  Saturday was my angry day.

We had a quiet Mother's Day this year.  By the time Sunday rolled around, I decided to get on with life as normal as I could.  Andrew got us Krispy Kreme doughnuts for breakfast which we ate out in the back yard, enjoying the beautiful weather and listening to the birds sing.  We hung out in the front yard, watching Greg ride his bike up and down our street for hours with his new friend Hayley who lives a few houses down.  We went for an early dinner to Macaroni Grill and then came home and walked over to a near by park where we kicked the soccer ball around and put in some time on the swings at the play ground.  We got home at dusk and settled in for a relaxing evening and early bed time.  Even though Mother's Day weekend 2011 brought me the most disappointing news of my life thus far, I am still a Mother.  I have the most wonderful, loving, thoughtful, kind and gentle son in the whole world.  He is truly a miracle that I am thankful for every single day and all I can do is focus on being the best mommy I can for him.  I don't know if I have another little soul that I'll meet in Heaven someday, don't know if it was a miscarriage or not last Friday, but I do know that the one that I am raising now is the joy of my life and the light of my world. 

I am fine most of the time and am back to our normal routine of play dates, working at church and running errands around town.  I still have my moments and have cried every day.  There is a hole in my heart that may never be healed.  I feel a profound sense of loss and my heart feels broken. It will take time for me to grieve and heal.  How much time, I do not know.  This burden in my heart is one that I will carry silently and will give to God for only He knows the pain I am feeling and the complexity of my emotions.  It's hard to talk about and even harder to express what I am feeling to others, so it's just me and God on this journey. He is the great Healer and Comforter and I will lean on Him to help me heal.

For any friends and family that have emailed or texted me about this, please forgive me for not responding. I appreciate you reaching out but I'm dealing with this the only way I know how and for the most part, I'm just not ready to talk about it yet.  Thank you for giving me grace in this difficult time.